It is not there to serve you and give you things like happiness and self-esteem.It is not there to make you feel good about life and about yourself.They might lose their temper in the middle of a restaurant because they think you are flirting with the waiter. You’re not always sure what the problem is, but things never add up. If you follow what they say, things still don’t get better.
Each time he hurts you, he apologizes and promises that it will never happen again or that he will change. Your partner knows your weaknesses and he goes after your most vulnerable parts, hurting you where he knows it will do the most damage. You feel ashamed, lost, alone, confused, numb, afraid, crazy, stupid, ugly, fat, worthless, embarrassed, unloveable, wrong. Your partner tortures animals, is mean to children, or nasty to waitresses.
This isn’t to say a relationship can’t do these things, it’s just that these aren’t the elements upon which a healthy relationship is built. A relationship is an experience to be had and shared.
A relationship also isn’t some sort of milestone, a sign that you have “made it,” that you will be OK, that you are now a member of some elite club. It is about discovering how compatible you are with someone else, and if there is enough chemistry and compatibility to form a lifelong partnership, also known as marriage.
Anyone who has dated long enough knows exactly what I’m talking about.
The problem is our minds trick us into believing there is some sort of payoff to this type of thinking.
Your partner will play into this, claiming that other people are just jealous of what you have or are just trying to bring you two down. For example, if someone hurts them, they feel they have a right to retaliate.